Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Nothing Nice To Say

I wish that there was a way to un-know some people.  I'm not talking about the crazy guy from high school that friended you on facebook.  You can hide him, or unfriend him, or ignore him.  But no.  I have people in my life that are either family or have some connection to family that even if I didn't have to see their crazy on facebook, it would still be in my life.  Facebook only speeds up the process, saving countless phone calls no doubt.

Because it's just poor manners to do so to their faces (or their profiles), here is what I really think:

Wow, you're going to try to be a nurse???  That is awesome.  I can not imagine how you would think it a good idea to be in any way responsible for another person's health or well being when you can't even manage to make dinner or bathe your children.  We'll talk about your bar habits later.  Add to that the fact that you're the laziest jerkface I've ever met, and I am sure you'll do GREAT.

Whoa, you're having a baby???  With another guy who's been in and out of jail?  And you'll have 3 baby daddies?  Hot dog.  And you shared with the world that one of your other kids is glad their dad isn't the father?  Classy.  Real classy.

I texted another awesome person this week asking for something.  Like in the form of a question even.  Something that one might say "Oh, I should ANSWER THAT."  Nope.  No response.  So I followed up the next day asking if they got the text and received this response "yes."  I think it must just be me that finds that asshat response to be perfectly infuriating.  Yes what?  Yes you will do what I asked?  Yes you got the message?  Yes you intended to ignore me?  I just can't figure it.  I do know that yes, they succeeded in making flames emerge from my eyeballs.  Maybe that's what they were going for.

Sadly, all of these events are real life.  I couldn't make this ish up if I tried.

Monday, June 24, 2013

Don't Know Why I Bother

Trying to speak to someone in the government about them owing you money is rather like talking to a cow grazing in a field.

Me  "Why have we not received payment?"
Cow:  chew, chew, chew
Me  "I don't understand why there are problems with our account information.  It was all in there correctly on prior orders."
Cow:  chew, chew, chew
Me  "Could someone, anyone, call me about this please???"
Cow:  chew, chew, chew....blank stare.

Sigh.

Some days I really wonder how people have jobs.  I am amazed at the lack of customer service and general business practice.  How do people just wander aimlessly through life?  Clearly you don't like your job.  Find another one.  Or simply stop irritating me.  Sheesh!

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

No Solicitators

I have been trying to reach several people about their childrens' summer sports, but haven't had success with a few.  I finally got a reply from one mom today wondering which of the 3 kids I was emailing about.  I told her that I had sent several emails and also left a couple of messages, so I wanted to verify her information.  She said:

 I have seen that you have called & haven't called back thinking it was a solicitator.

That statement right there has spawned a whole awesome realm of possibilities.  My first thought is that a solicitator is some cross between a solicitor and a tater tot.  Or possibly a dictator.  Either way, it sounds COOL.  So I have decided that's what I want to be when I grow up - a Professional Solicitator.  Haha!

Thursday, June 13, 2013

It's Five O'Clock Somewhere, Right???

It is not even 10AM, and I am ready for a DRINK.  And it better be a real one.  No fruity girly drinks.  Heavy hitting today.  I need whisky.

I was awakened by my telephone ringing at 6:30, which was my day care calling out sick.  On the 2nd day of summer vacation.  Awesome.  So I start my phone call campaign, and get nowhere.  Finally after an hour, I decide it's a lost cause and hurry hurry our big butts into the car because I am late, and toting two kids.  My boss is going to be THRILLED.  (That right there is why we need a sarcasm font.)  During this hour, I have somehow managed to get myself and two kids ready, took the dog for a walk, carried his heavy self back up the stairs, got the cat back inside because the cat doesn't like the dog so he wanted to stay out but there are big storms coming today so he would die if I left him out there (hmmmm, hindsight...) so I had to lock the dog up and carry the dumb cat in, and then discovered the dog pooped in my bedroom in his sleep (He's old.  Can't be mad at him, but it did add to my fun.) so I had to clean that up.  Big deep breath.  Today is not my day.

Fortunately, one of the other daycare moms saved me.  She called when she woke and said she could have the boys, so I turned my car around!  I still could kiss her face!!!

So now I only have to deal with work shenanigans, which are continuing the trend of the morning.  I'm even handling craziness in a whole other country today.  Sigh.  Please let me live through this crazy day.

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Faith

We had a gentleman walk into our office today.  My normal reaction to these folks is to get them back out the door as quickly as possible.  We have seen the strangest of people in this not great neighborhood - guys selling art that they are carrying with them, people with meat in coolers in their cars, office supply people, and on and on.  This guy though, there was something about him.  He looked absolutely tired, and he was so polite.  So he starts his spiel.  And there I am, feeling like the biggest jerk in the world.  He is part of a nonprofit organization that is in the middle of a challenge to walk from like 9am to 4pm every day to collect donations to help pay transportation costs for homeless people in DC to get to and from training programs.  He had documentation and ID.  After working the night shift at a corrections facility, he hits the streets to walk every day for 6 weeks.  At the end, all of the money collected is going to be doubled by a local sports player.  He went on to tell us that none of the members receive any sort of compensation, and that they are all motivated because they were homeless once.  He had a flex file FULL of business cards and a stack from today that he showed us with the donation amounts written on them.  He thanked us for our donation, finished with "God Bless You," and headed back out into the 90 degree heat to continue walking.

And I find my faith in humanity restored, for at least today.  I am so moved to know that there are still people out there that put their all into helping others.  I feel completely inadequate.

Wednesday.

Oh Wednesday, why must you be so far away from Friday???????  It sounds good that you're the midpoint, but it's just not good enough.  I even was off on Monday, and it's still dragging.  Can't we just work 2 days a week and be off the other 5, instead of the other way around?

Sigh.

I am having a strange kind of day.  Kind of emotional, and kind of off.  We are pup-sitting, and poor pup is so old and his hips are bad.  I had to carry him up the stairs this morning to go back inside.  It makes my heart hurt.

Fast forward - I went to grab lunch for my boss and myself, and drove right past the restaurant.  Bah!  I am nuts.  And when I went to leave, crazy entitled lady from next door is parked NEXT TO ME in our parking lot.  Presently I am trying to talk me down about that one.  Gah!

Friday, June 7, 2013

Seriously??

I drive fast.  It's what I do.  I can't help myself!  It doesn't matter whether I am early or late, my foot automatically takes me to a minimum rate of speed that my self somehow finds acceptable.  I try not to be a jerk about it, but I would really prefer people to get out of my way.  Sort of like they teach you in drivers' ed.  If you are not passing people, get out of the left lane.

This morning, I was driving along minding my own business at a reasonably fast speed, in the rain, not messing with anybody.  There was no one in front of me in the left lane, and nobody behind me.  As I am almost to the back corner of a minivan, the driver decides that although they have been behind this person for eternity, that exact moment is when they could no longer handle it, and cuts me off!!!!  Oh, the irritation!!!

But wait....it gets better.  How, you ask?  Surely that was bad enough!

After cutting me off because clearly they couldn't tolerate that slow pace any longer, they do 2 miles an hour faster than that car, which takes (in my head) 3 years to pass them.  There should be an ANGRY font.  It should be made of fire and hot coals.  When this stupid silver thing finally gets out of the way, I look over as I am passing, and Large Marge has the nerve to flip me off!!!!!!!!!!!  Are you effing kidding me?????  You have no manners and no courtesy, and you're going to be pissed off at ME??????

I was too amazed to return the favor.  I need an air horn and a large boxing glove attached to the front of my car to smash people like this to smithereens.




Thursday, June 6, 2013

After further consideration....

After further consideration, and a lack of cooperation, I feel like the previous post should have included a big fat "awwwwwwwwww, hellllll no!!!"  Complete with head bob and finger snap!

Yeah, she never moved her car.  Annnnnnnnnnd another employee came and parked in our lot.  I am beginning to think that it is my destiny to deal with stupid people.  So I put notes on their cars, ha!

The rules apply to me too??

We are having repairs done on our leaky roof at work.....finally.  The roof guy asked us all to park around the side so he could do whatever he needed to do at the front of the building, so we worked it out with everyone in the building.  So how come when we got here this morning, there are two cars parked out front?  Apparently people from the company next door have decided that they are going to use our lot.  Ohhhhhh, ok.  There are several bus and limo companies that use the lot on the other side of the building, and the owner of the lot said the drivers couldn't park there anymore because they weren't paying extra to do so.  So now the people that won't let them park there for free are going to use our lot for free???  Um, no.  So I went over to discuss this with them, and the lady I was speaking with was telling me how the buses are out front when she gets there so she's been parking in our lot, and she's going to find out who the other person is and talk to them about it.  We were out there for probably 10 minutes.  At the end she says, "so just let me know if you ever need me to move my car."  What. The. Heck.  I am certain I couldn't have been any more clear.  I told her again that I need her to park in her own lot.  She looked at me like I was the devil, and said "Me?  Oh."

Sigh.  How in the world are you going to pretend like I hadn't been talking for 10 minutes?  Why should it not apply to you?  And why is it MY problem that YOUR buses are parking in front of your parking spot???  Just shoot me now.  So now I am that guy.  The a-hole.  Because I speak English, and others speak entitled.

Monday, June 3, 2013

Tough to be a fat kid

Oh how I hate Jillian Michaels right now.  And week 2 of her torture.  I just had to give myself a pep talk to get off the floor.  It hurts to hold my arms up high enough to type this.  Parts of me hurt that I didn't even know I had.  Sigh.  That whole cool down thing?  Psh.  Screw that.  I laid on my mat and sweated until the terrible music came back on.  Oh how I long to have my high school metabolism.  Not to mention that figure (insert whistle).  Oh how sorry I am that I didn't treasure and flaunt that body more while I had it!!!!

In conclusion, if I can't wear my new [more than a little inappropriate] bathing suit by the end of this 30 days,  I am going to be mad, mad, MAD.  I might have to seek her out, though I would have to run her over with my car.  For sure I won't be able to use this mangled body to do anything useful.

Urgent Medical Decions

I have a tick bite.  It is large and red and itches like whoa.  I am pretty sure that I should seek medical attention.  What if it is lyme disease?  Or infected?  Or the tick was carrying the famous your-limbs-are-gonna-fall-off disorder?

Well, here's the thing.  The stupid jerk face of a tick couldn't just bite me and make my life miserable, but it had to bite me right on the A$$.  Yup.  So now I am trying to decide if the possibility of dying from some crazy tick bite disease is worth going and baring my bum for them to tell me that it's just a bite.  Because you know, after all of that, that will be all that it is.  I think a wait and see position is appropriate.