Friday, September 13, 2013

Dear World, I Am Sorry

I am.  Truly.  I didn't know that I was receiving a constant stream of hormones, therefore I didn't know what would happen when said hormones were no longer there.  I don't mean to scare small children or make my husband fear for his life.  I didn't know that road rage could be taken to new levels.  Nor did I know that pictures of puppies or toilet paper commercials, or hell just the fact that it's Friday were things to cry over.  I just didn't know.

Dearest husband:  I know you don't understand why I am a nut job, and I know you don't think it's fair that you now need to fear for your life.  This morning you said that you think I should be able to see that I'm losing it and "corral" it, which led to silence.  Please understand that I know I am irrational, and my silence is me "corralling."  So when there is silence after something, please, I beg you, MOVE ON.  Because once I have maintained and kept quiet for a full two minutes, and you follow that with "what?" I can't control what happens next, but it is bound to be horrifying.  I do know that use of the word corral brought forth visions of hog-tying and leaving you for the animals to feed on.  I know you don't understand, since you are a man and don't have any of this craziness.  And I am sorry.  And I can see from a removed perspective that I am absolutely losing my shit, but I can't do anything about it.  At all.  It's kind of like a mini-me is sitting on my shoulder, in a big fluffy recliner, eating popcorn and watching the show.

I love you for hanging on to this roller coaster that has no restraints, and I promise that I will try to tame my homicidal tendencies until my body balances itself out.  Until then, please try to understand that I have just as much control over it as I have peace, starving children in whichever country people are using to make their kids eat their veggies, and the national deficit all wrapped into one vertically challenged body.

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

The End Of The World Is Near

I am really sorry to tell everyone, but the end of the world is fast approaching!!!!  I am sure that all the ladies out there will know exactly what I am talking about here.  My husband used the words "you're right," and followed that with "I'm sorry."  Whaaaaaaaaat???????

I couldn't even respond at first.  I wasn't sure I read it right.  And then I wasn't sure what I was supposed to say.  I am certain in all of my life experiences and teachings of etiquette, this was never addressed.  I did not know how to respond to this rarity, this gem, this beautiful way of stopping me in my tracks.

I am so stunned that I can't even be bothered with how it's sad that those phrases are so hard to come by or how people should just be able to own it and stop things before they spiral to crazy.

I am just going to accept it as a gift.  A glorious, wonderful, up there with diamonds GIFT.

Also, I am going to pray that the world waits until after our vacation to come to its' end.

Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Sorry Tim McGraw!

There is a song on Tim McGraw's latest album called "Let Me Love It Out Of You."  Sadly, Mr. McGraw has it ALL wrong.  He is talking about how he knows his lady friend is angry with him and it's all his fault, and suggests they drink wine all slowly and he love it out of her.

Now, I am sure I don't speak for the whole world, but if you are trying to love the anger out of me this is the wrong approach.  It's all slow and soft and romantic and blah blah blah.  Angry lovin' would sound much more like a Pink song.  In fact she has one called "True Love" that discusses wanting to hug him and at the same time wrap her hands around his neck.  Now THAT sounds like real life.

The kid gloves drink some wine be my darlin crap is only going to make me even more angry.  If you really want to work that out like that, it better be hot, heavy, pull my hair kind of love.  You don't have to go quite all 50 Shades of Grey, but 30 would be ok.  Hey, not everything is hearts and flowers.

Friday, August 30, 2013

Slap Happy

Some days I feel like a ginormous ball of tension that oozes out in little bits of crazy.  It happens to be (mostly) good tension today.  This morning, someone told me "good morning sunshine," which is one of my favorite things to say.  Somehow I transformed that from thinking about 'I love that' to singing "I like it when you call me big poppa...."  Probably I shouldn't share these things in any public forum, but it's too good not to.

On top of all this bouncing around in my head, I am certain that I missed even the possibility of being nominated for mother of the year last night.  My husband works crazy hours, so we have to be creative sometimes to have alone time.  As the lady that had sex with her husband every day for a year pointed out this week, it doesn't matter if it's in a closet; it still counts!  I digress.  Anywho, the kids wanted to go play on the trampoline.  PERFECT!!  It's right outside our bedroom so we can hear if they're still out there, or fighting, or whatever.  So tell me how we've had this thing for fricken' years, and last night when all the adults are naked is the only time anybody's gotten hurt????  How does this happen?  Gah.  So I am trying to get out there quickly because my kid is like paralyzed and all that, and my husband has the damn curtain open.  Umm hello, I can't move from my hidden position until they won't notice that I am naked here!!!!!  Fortunately, the child is ok.  And I am doubly fortunate that nobody noticed that I had my shirt on backwards.  Ha.

Got a loooooong weekend coming up!  Whoop whoop!  I need a camel commercial for Fridays now.  Wednesday is getting all the laughter because everyone can walk around going HUMP DAAAY!!!

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Thou Shalt Not Judge

I have been seeing this trend on the internet of people being absolutely hateful about what other people do with their lives, and I find it rather disgusting.  For instance, some chick posted a video of herself "twerking" and people really lost their ish over it.  There were empty alcohol bottles in the background, so clearly she led a terrible lifestyle that led to her being knocked up and didn't know the baby daddy.  All that from a video that this poor girl never even spoke in!!!  Wow.  Cuz dancing is trashy, and certainly nobody ever drank alcohol before.  What???

Anyway, these things put in my mind that I should really try not to judge people.  Like, really try =)  The problem is:  I know some really effed up people!!!!!  I am saddened by the amount of stupidity I come across on a daily basis.  A lot of the time I can sit back and say 'to each their own.'  Sometimes you just can't find a nice way to spin a situation though.  Sometimes people really are just stupid.  Or terrible parents.  Or jerks.  Or, in awesome instances, all of the above.  Then I find myself wishing (again) that I could un-know people.

Friday, August 23, 2013

The Credit Card That Almost Could Buy Stuff

I have been battling for months with our phone provider at work to upgrade our service from the terrible antique analog lines to the new digital lines.  It took forever to set up, and then several attempts to install, and over a month later it still does not function correctly.  Sigh.  As part of this *wonderful* deal (notice the sarcasm identifiers *), we were promised a $100 VISA gift card, which arrived in the mail today.  I was so excited!  ....Except it seems that they have found a way to funk this up also.  You can only use it at the list of approved merchants.  What???  Doesn't the VISA part of that deal indicate that it can be used as a VISA?  It's not a store card or a restaurant gift card; it is normally treated as money and accepted everywhere!!!!!!

Now, I am sure I sound like a spoiled brat right now.  Trust me, I am glad I at least got $100 out of this experience, since nothing else good has come of it.  However, I am more than a little pissed that I can't use this well-deserved pittance on the ALCOHOL that this fiasco clearly warrants.

Thursday, August 1, 2013

Who Says Romance Is Dead?

I have been attacked by a terrible, vicious stomach bug this week.  It's really strange, because I am still hungry, and my stomach is even more angry if I don't eat.  Anyway, I feel like death.

So last night, knowing my husband had to go to bed because he leaves in the middle of the night for work, I toughed it out...sort of.  I slept upright on the couch, while the kids watched a movie, and then I went to bed.

How is it that he KNEW I was sick, yet this morning my husband asked me why I hadn't made his lunch?  I can not even muster enough energy to be angry about this.  I am going to have to store it in my memory banks for later.  I hope he understands one day in the future when I throw a random object at his HEAD that he did indeed deserve it.

Why is it that when a man is sick, the entire world stops?  Oh, my neck and my back, I am going to bed...  But when I am sick?  Psh, girl there's nothing wrong with you, make my lunch.  Seriously?  In my next life I really want to come back as a man.

*** To his (ittybitty) credit, he did ask how I was feeling this morning, and then told me I should go to the doctor.  I am not sure how he thinks a dr is going to help a bug.  Is it wrong that in my head he just wants me to be able to make his lunch tonight?