Dear World, I Am Sorry

I am.  Truly.  I didn't know that I was receiving a constant stream of hormones, therefore I didn't know what would happen when said hormones were no longer there.  I don't mean to scare small children or make my husband fear for his life.  I didn't know that road rage could be taken to new levels.  Nor did I know that pictures of puppies or toilet paper commercials, or hell just the fact that it's Friday were things to cry over.  I just didn't know.

Dearest husband:  I know you don't understand why I am a nut job, and I know you don't think it's fair that you now need to fear for your life.  This morning you said that you think I should be able to see that I'm losing it and "corral" it, which led to silence.  Please understand that I know I am irrational, and my silence is me "corralling."  So when there is silence after something, please, I beg you, MOVE ON.  Because once I have maintained and kept quiet for a full two minutes, and you follow that with "what?" I can't control what happens next, but it is bound to be horrifying.  I do know that use of the word corral brought forth visions of hog-tying and leaving you for the animals to feed on.  I know you don't understand, since you are a man and don't have any of this craziness.  And I am sorry.  And I can see from a removed perspective that I am absolutely losing my shit, but I can't do anything about it.  At all.  It's kind of like a mini-me is sitting on my shoulder, in a big fluffy recliner, eating popcorn and watching the show.

I love you for hanging on to this roller coaster that has no restraints, and I promise that I will try to tame my homicidal tendencies until my body balances itself out.  Until then, please try to understand that I have just as much control over it as I have over......................world peace, starving children in whichever country people are using to make their kids eat their veggies, and the national deficit all wrapped into one vertically challenged body.

The End Of The World Is Near

I am really sorry to tell everyone, but the end of the world is fast approaching!!!!  I am sure that all the ladies out there will know exactly what I am talking about here.  My husband used the words "you're right," and followed that with "I'm sorry."  Whaaaaaaaaat???????

I couldn't even respond at first.  I wasn't sure I read it right.  And then I wasn't sure what I was supposed to say.  I am certain in all of my life experiences and teachings of etiquette, this was never addressed.  I did not know how to respond to this rarity, this gem, this beautiful way of stopping me in my tracks.

I am so stunned that I can't even be bothered with how it's sad that those phrases are so hard to come by or how people should just be able to own it and stop things before they spiral to crazy.

I am just going to accept it as a gift.  A glorious, wonderful, up there with diamonds GIFT.

Also, I am going to pray that the world waits until after our vacation to come to its' end.

Sorry Tim McGraw!

There is a song on Tim McGraw's latest album called "Let Me Love It Out Of You."  Sadly, Mr. McGraw has it ALL wrong.  He is talking about how he knows his lady friend is angry with him and it's all his fault, and suggests they drink wine all slowly and he love it out of her.

Now, I am sure I don't speak for the whole world, but if you are trying to love the anger out of me this is the wrong approach.  It's all slow and soft and romantic and blah blah blah.  Angry lovin' would sound much more like a Pink song.  In fact she has one called "True Love" that discusses wanting to hug him and at the same time wrap her hands around his neck.  Now THAT sounds like real life.

The kid gloves drink some wine be my darlin crap is only going to make me even more angry.  If you really want to work that out like that, it better be hot, heavy, pull my hair kind of love.  You don't have to go quite all 50 Shades of Grey, but 30 would be ok.  Hey, not everything is hearts and flowers.