Dear World, I Am Sorry

I am.  Truly.  I didn't know that I was receiving a constant stream of hormones, therefore I didn't know what would happen when said hormones were no longer there.  I don't mean to scare small children or make my husband fear for his life.  I didn't know that road rage could be taken to new levels.  Nor did I know that pictures of puppies or toilet paper commercials, or hell just the fact that it's Friday were things to cry over.  I just didn't know.

Dearest husband:  I know you don't understand why I am a nut job, and I know you don't think it's fair that you now need to fear for your life.  This morning you said that you think I should be able to see that I'm losing it and "corral" it, which led to silence.  Please understand that I know I am irrational, and my silence is me "corralling."  So when there is silence after something, please, I beg you, MOVE ON.  Because once I have maintained and kept quiet for a full two minutes, and you follow that with "what?" I can't control what happens next, but it is bound to be horrifying.  I do know that use of the word corral brought forth visions of hog-tying and leaving you for the animals to feed on.  I know you don't understand, since you are a man and don't have any of this craziness.  And I am sorry.  And I can see from a removed perspective that I am absolutely losing my shit, but I can't do anything about it.  At all.  It's kind of like a mini-me is sitting on my shoulder, in a big fluffy recliner, eating popcorn and watching the show.

I love you for hanging on to this roller coaster that has no restraints, and I promise that I will try to tame my homicidal tendencies until my body balances itself out.  Until then, please try to understand that I have just as much control over it as I have over......................world peace, starving children in whichever country people are using to make their kids eat their veggies, and the national deficit all wrapped into one vertically challenged body.

The End Of The World Is Near

I am really sorry to tell everyone, but the end of the world is fast approaching!!!!  I am sure that all the ladies out there will know exactly what I am talking about here.  My husband used the words "you're right," and followed that with "I'm sorry."  Whaaaaaaaaat???????

I couldn't even respond at first.  I wasn't sure I read it right.  And then I wasn't sure what I was supposed to say.  I am certain in all of my life experiences and teachings of etiquette, this was never addressed.  I did not know how to respond to this rarity, this gem, this beautiful way of stopping me in my tracks.

I am so stunned that I can't even be bothered with how it's sad that those phrases are so hard to come by or how people should just be able to own it and stop things before they spiral to crazy.

I am just going to accept it as a gift.  A glorious, wonderful, up there with diamonds GIFT.

Also, I am going to pray that the world waits until after our vacation to come to its' end.

Sorry Tim McGraw!

There is a song on Tim McGraw's latest album called "Let Me Love It Out Of You."  Sadly, Mr. McGraw has it ALL wrong.  He is talking about how he knows his lady friend is angry with him and it's all his fault, and suggests they drink wine all slowly and he love it out of her.

Now, I am sure I don't speak for the whole world, but if you are trying to love the anger out of me this is the wrong approach.  It's all slow and soft and romantic and blah blah blah.  Angry lovin' would sound much more like a Pink song.  In fact she has one called "True Love" that discusses wanting to hug him and at the same time wrap her hands around his neck.  Now THAT sounds like real life.

The kid gloves drink some wine be my darlin crap is only going to make me even more angry.  If you really want to work that out like that, it better be hot, heavy, pull my hair kind of love.  You don't have to go quite all 50 Shades of Grey, but 30 would be ok.  Hey, not everything is hearts and flowers.

Slap Happy

Some days I feel like a ginormous ball of tension that oozes out in little bits of crazy.  It happens to be (mostly) good tension today.  This morning, someone told me "good morning sunshine," which is one of my favorite things to say.  Somehow I transformed that from thinking about 'I love that' to singing "I like it when you call me big poppa...."  Probably I shouldn't share these things in any public forum, but it's too good not to.

On top of all this bouncing around in my head, I am certain that I missed even the possibility of being nominated for mother of the year last night.  My husband works crazy hours, so we have to be creative sometimes to have alone time.  As the lady that had sex with her husband every day for a year pointed out this week, it doesn't matter if it's in a closet; it still counts!  I digress.  Anywho, the kids wanted to go play on the trampoline.  PERFECT!!  It's right outside our bedroom so we can hear if they're still out there, or fighting, or whatever.  So tell me how we've had this thing for fricken' years, and last night when all the adults are naked is the only time anybody's gotten hurt????  How does this happen?  Gah.  So I am trying to get out there quickly because my kid is like paralyzed and all that, and my husband has the damn curtain open.  Umm hello, I can't move from my hidden position until they won't notice that I am naked here!!!!!  Fortunately, the child is ok.  And I am doubly fortunate that nobody noticed that I had my shirt on backwards.  Ha.

Got a loooooong weekend coming up!  Whoop whoop!  I need a camel commercial for Fridays now.  Wednesday is getting all the laughter because everyone can walk around going HUMP DAAAY!!!

Thou Shalt Not Judge

I have been seeing this trend on the internet of people being absolutely hateful about what other people do with their lives, and I find it rather disgusting.  For instance, some chick posted a video of herself "twerking" and people really lost their ish over it.  There were empty alcohol bottles in the background, so clearly she led a terrible lifestyle that led to her being knocked up and didn't know the baby daddy.  All that from a video that this poor girl never even spoke in!!!  Wow.  Cuz dancing is trashy, and certainly nobody ever drank alcohol before.  What???

Anyway, these things put in my mind that I should really try not to judge people.  Like, really try =)  The problem is:  I know some really effed up people!!!!!  I am saddened by the amount of stupidity I come across on a daily basis.  A lot of the time I can sit back and say 'to each their own.'  Sometimes you just can't find a nice way to spin a situation though.  Sometimes people really are just stupid.  Or terrible parents.  Or jerks.  Or, in awesome instances, all of the above.  Then I find myself wishing (again) that I could un-know people.

The Credit Card That Almost Could Buy Stuff

I have been battling for months with our phone provider at work to upgrade our service from the terrible antique analog lines to the new digital lines.  It took forever to set up, and then several attempts to install, and over a month later it still does not function correctly.  Sigh.  As part of this *wonderful* deal (notice the sarcasm identifiers *), we were promised a $100 VISA gift card, which arrived in the mail today.  I was so excited!  ....Except it seems that they have found a way to funk this up also.  You can only use it at the list of approved merchants.  What???  Doesn't the VISA part of that deal indicate that it can be used as a VISA?  It's not a store card or a restaurant gift card; it is normally treated as money and accepted everywhere!!!!!!

Now, I am sure I sound like a spoiled brat right now.  Trust me, I am glad I at least got $100 out of this experience, since nothing else good has come of it.  However, I am more than a little pissed that I can't use this well-deserved pittance on the ALCOHOL that this fiasco clearly warrants.

Who Says Romance Is Dead?

I have been attacked by a terrible, vicious stomach bug this week.  It's really strange, because I am still hungry, and my stomach is even more angry if I don't eat.  Anyway, I feel like death.

So last night, knowing my husband had to go to bed because he leaves in the middle of the night for work, I toughed it out...sort of.  I slept upright on the couch, while the kids watched a movie, and then I went to bed.

How is it that he KNEW I was sick, yet this morning my husband asked me why I hadn't made his lunch?  I can not even muster enough energy to be angry about this.  I am going to have to store it in my memory banks for later.  I hope he understands one day in the future when I throw a random object at his HEAD that he did indeed deserve it.

Why is it that when a man is sick, the entire world stops?  Oh, my neck and my back, I am going to bed...  But when I am sick?  Psh, girl there's nothing wrong with you, make my lunch.  Seriously?  In my next life I really want to come back as a man.

*** To his (ittybitty) credit, he did ask how I was feeling this morning, and then told me I should go to the doctor.  I am not sure how he thinks a dr is going to help a bug.  Is it wrong that in my head he just wants me to be able to make his lunch tonight?

K

I am sure by now, most people have figured out that I am not always a reasonable person.  Today, though, I was really trying to be.  I tried to express my feelings in a mature way without freaking out or pointing fingers or making other people freak out.  However, if we are having a conversation and I write all this crap on my new no-keyboard phone that is the length of the war and peace cliff notes, and you respond with "K" I might, just maybe, lose my ish.

K?  Are you effing kidding me???????????????????????????  Why does anybody even think that to be an actual reply?  Aside from acknowledging if someone asks you to stop by the store and it only requires acknowledgement, you should expect this response if you throw a random letter out.

Probably I shouldn't talk to people anymore today.  My reasonableness was a fleeting moment.

Just Call Me Oscar

Sometimes I wish grown-ups could get away with temper tantrums like little kids do.  There are absolutely times when it should be perfectly reasonable to lay on the floor and kick and scream and throw things and... well you get my point.  I guess all of the crazy seems to happen on the same day so that you can enjoy the rest of the days, but wow.  It really needs to spread out.

The best part is all of the crazy seems to happen to other people on the same day.  So all day long you have all of these grouchy people grouching at each other.  I am really trying to limit my contact with people today, but it's just not working out.  I just need to find a trash can and make myself a home.  Except they probably don't even make metal trash cans anymore.  So I would be grouchy about that too.

Must be the Money Tree

I am constantly amazed by some people's interpretations of how things work.  I witnessed this phenomena on facebook a couple of days ago, and I just can't shake it.

An acquaintance posted an angry rant about someone being rude and making comments about them being on the WIC program.  Meh, people are nuts, so I paid no mind.  I am sorry you are worked up.  But, this person kept posting things.  From what I can decipher, someone commented about how their tax dollars support this person, yet they can afford an iphone.  Now, I don't really have an opinion here.  I happen to think that the WIC program is a great program to have.  It helps to make sure that kids have enough to eat and educates about healthy eating.

BUT...in the angry moment they were having, they continued on and commented something along the lines of WIC being a federally funded program, and that people should get the facts before saying that their tax dollars pay for something.

Ummmmmm.........what???  Where exactly do you think federal funds come from?  Is there a money tree behind the White House?  Perhaps they harvest it at the same time as the garden?  It matters not which government agency funds a program.  WE, THE TAX PAYING CITIZENS, PAY FOR IT!!!!

A Small Sex Ed Lesson

Last night my youngest son came running out to me naked.  He wanted to know what his man pieces are called.  So I directed him to the bedroom to discuss.  For some reason I didn't find the kitchen an appropriate place to have this conversation.  Anyway...  I asked him if he was looking for the grown up word or the kid term, and he said grown up.  So I gave it to him straight - testicles.  Then he asked what do they do.  I told him that they will help him make babies when he is grown up and has a wife.  He says "Whoa, babies shoot outta there???"  Ummm, no.  "Oh, so there are babies in there???"  Still no.  Babies only grow in Mommy tummies, not Daddy tummies.  The poor guy had such a bummed look and said "aww, I wanted to have a baby."  Yes, he is crazy.  After a tiny pause he asked what the kid word was, and I said that I am not the authority here, but I think most boys call them balls.  He snorted and said:

"No.  I am going to call mine chemicals."

Uh.  That's close to what I said.  We'll just go with that.  Still this morning my older son was trying to correct it, but nope, that's what he has in his head, so chemicals they are!

I am still laughing hysterically about this!  I could barely type it without laughing out loud!  =D

Nothing Nice To Say

I wish that there was a way to un-know some people.  I'm not talking about the crazy guy from high school that friended you on facebook.  You can hide him, or unfriend him, or ignore him.  But no.  I have people in my life that are either family or have some connection to family that even if I didn't have to see their crazy on facebook, it would still be in my life.  Facebook only speeds up the process, saving countless phone calls no doubt.

Because it's just poor manners to do so to their faces (or their profiles), here is what I really think:

Wow, you're going to try to be a nurse???  That is awesome.  I can not imagine how you would think it a good idea to be in any way responsible for another person's health or well being when you can't even manage to make dinner or bathe your children.  We'll talk about your bar habits later.  Add to that the fact that you're the laziest jerkface I've ever met, and I am sure you'll do GREAT.

Whoa, you're having a baby???  With another guy who's been in and out of jail?  And you'll have 3 baby daddies?  Hot dog.  And you shared with the world that one of your other kids is glad their dad isn't the father?  Classy.  Real classy.

I texted another awesome person this week asking for something.  Like in the form of a question even.  Something that one might say "Oh, I should ANSWER THAT."  Nope.  No response.  So I followed up the next day asking if they got the text and received this response "yes."  I think it must just be me that finds that asshat response to be perfectly infuriating.  Yes what?  Yes you will do what I asked?  Yes you got the message?  Yes you intended to ignore me?  I just can't figure it.  I do know that yes, they succeeded in making flames emerge from my eyeballs.  Maybe that's what they were going for.

Sadly, all of these events are real life.  I couldn't make this ish up if I tried.

Don't Know Why I Bother

Trying to speak to someone in the government about them owing you money is rather like talking to a cow grazing in a field.

Me  "Why have we not received payment?"
Cow:  chew, chew, chew
Me  "I don't understand why there are problems with our account information.  It was all in there correctly on prior orders."
Cow:  chew, chew, chew
Me  "Could someone, anyone, call me about this please???"
Cow:  chew, chew, chew....blank stare.

Sigh.

Some days I really wonder how people have jobs.  I am amazed at the lack of customer service and general business practice.  How do people just wander aimlessly through life?  Clearly you don't like your job.  Find another one.  Or simply stop irritating me.  Sheesh!

No Solicitators

I have been trying to reach several people about their childrens' summer sports, but haven't had success with a few.  I finally got a reply from one mom today wondering which of the 3 kids I was emailing about.  I told her that I had sent several emails and also left a couple of messages, so I wanted to verify her information.  She said:

 I have seen that you have called & haven't called back thinking it was a solicitator.

That statement right there has spawned a whole awesome realm of possibilities.  My first thought is that a solicitator is some cross between a solicitor and a tater tot.  Or possibly a dictator.  Either way, it sounds COOL.  So I have decided that's what I want to be when I grow up - a Professional Solicitator.  Haha!

It's Five O'Clock Somewhere, Right???

It is not even 10AM, and I am ready for a DRINK.  And it better be a real one.  No fruity girly drinks.  Heavy hitting today.  I need whisky.

I was awakened by my telephone ringing at 6:30, which was my day care calling out sick.  On the 2nd day of summer vacation.  Awesome.  So I start my phone call campaign, and get nowhere.  Finally after an hour, I decide it's a lost cause and hurry hurry our big butts into the car because I am late, and toting two kids.  My boss is going to be THRILLED.  (That right there is why we need a sarcasm font.)  During this hour, I have somehow managed to get myself and two kids ready, took the dog for a walk, carried his heavy self back up the stairs, got the cat back inside because the cat doesn't like the dog so he wanted to stay out but there are big storms coming today so he would die if I left him out there (hmmmm, hindsight...) so I had to lock the dog up and carry the dumb cat in, and then discovered the dog pooped in my bedroom in his sleep (He's old.  Can't be mad at him, but it did add to my fun.) so I had to clean that up.  Big deep breath.  Today is not my day.

Fortunately, one of the other daycare moms saved me.  She called when she woke and said she could have the boys, so I turned my car around!  I still could kiss her face!!!

So now I only have to deal with work shenanigans, which are continuing the trend of the morning.  I'm even handling craziness in a whole other country today.  Sigh.  Please let me live through this crazy day.

Faith

We had a gentleman walk into our office today.  My normal reaction to these folks is to get them back out the door as quickly as possible.  We have seen the strangest of people in this not great neighborhood - guys selling art that they are carrying with them, people with meat in coolers in their cars, office supply people, and on and on.  This guy though, there was something about him.  He looked absolutely tired, and he was so polite.  So he starts his spiel.  And there I am, feeling like the biggest jerk in the world.  He is part of a nonprofit organization that is in the middle of a challenge to walk from like 9am to 4pm every day to collect donations to help pay transportation costs for homeless people in DC to get to and from training programs.  He had documentation and ID.  After working the night shift at a corrections facility, he hits the streets to walk every day for 6 weeks.  At the end, all of the money collected is going to be doubled by a local sports player.  He went on to tell us that none of the members receive any sort of compensation, and that they are all motivated because they were homeless once.  He had a flex file FULL of business cards and a stack from today that he showed us with the donation amounts written on them.  He thanked us for our donation, finished with "God Bless You," and headed back out into the 90 degree heat to continue walking.

And I find my faith in humanity restored, for at least today.  I am so moved to know that there are still people out there that put their all into helping others.  I feel completely inadequate.

Wednesday.

Oh Wednesday, why must you be so far away from Friday???????  It sounds good that you're the midpoint, but it's just not good enough.  I even was off on Monday, and it's still dragging.  Can't we just work 2 days a week and be off the other 5, instead of the other way around?

Sigh.

I am having a strange kind of day.  Kind of emotional, and kind of off.  We are pup-sitting, and poor pup is so old and his hips are bad.  I had to carry him up the stairs this morning to go back inside.  It makes my heart hurt.

Fast forward - I went to grab lunch for my boss and myself, and drove right past the restaurant.  Bah!  I am nuts.  And when I went to leave, crazy entitled lady from next door is parked NEXT TO ME in our parking lot.  Presently I am trying to talk me down about that one.  Gah!

Seriously??

I drive fast.  It's what I do.  I can't help myself!  It doesn't matter whether I am early or late, my foot automatically takes me to a minimum rate of speed that my self somehow finds acceptable.  I try not to be a jerk about it, but I would really prefer people to get out of my way.  Sort of like they teach you in drivers' ed.  If you are not passing people, get out of the left lane.

This morning, I was driving along minding my own business at a reasonably fast speed, in the rain, not messing with anybody.  There was no one in front of me in the left lane, and nobody behind me.  As I am almost to the back corner of a minivan, the driver decides that although they have been behind this person for eternity, that exact moment is when they could no longer handle it, and cuts me off!!!!  Oh, the irritation!!!

But wait....it gets better.  How, you ask?  Surely that was bad enough!

After cutting me off because clearly they couldn't tolerate that slow pace any longer, they do 2 miles an hour faster than that car, which takes (in my head) 3 years to pass them.  There should be an ANGRY font.  It should be made of fire and hot coals.  When this stupid silver thing finally gets out of the way, I look over as I am passing, and Large Marge has the nerve to flip me off!!!!!!!!!!!  Are you effing kidding me?????  You have no manners and no courtesy, and you're going to be pissed off at ME??????

I was too amazed to return the favor.  I need an air horn and a large boxing glove attached to the front of my car to smash people like this to smithereens.

After further consideration....

After further consideration, and a lack of cooperation, I feel like the previous post should have included a big fat "awwwwwwwwww, hellllll no!!!"  Complete with head bob and finger snap!

Yeah, she never moved her car.  Annnnnnnnnnd another employee came and parked in our lot.  I am beginning to think that it is my destiny to deal with stupid people.  So I put notes on their cars, ha!

The rules apply to me too??

We are having repairs done on our leaky roof at work.....finally.  The roof guy asked us all to park around the side so he could do whatever he needed to do at the front of the building, so we worked it out with everyone in the building.  So how come when we got here this morning, there are two cars parked out front?  Apparently people from the company next door have decided that they are going to use our lot.  Ohhhhhh, ok.  There are several bus and limo companies that use the lot on the other side of the building, and the owner of the lot said the drivers couldn't park there anymore because they weren't paying extra to do so.  So now the people that won't let them park there for free are going to use our lot for free???  Um, no.  So I went over to discuss this with them, and the lady I was speaking with was telling me how the buses are out front when she gets there so she's been parking in our lot, and she's going to find out who the other person is and talk to them about it.  We were out there for probably 10 minutes.  At the end she says, "so just let me know if you ever need me to move my car."  What. The. Heck.  I am certain I couldn't have been any more clear.  I told her again that I need her to park in her own lot.  She looked at me like I was the devil, and said "Me?  Oh."

Sigh.  How in the world are you going to pretend like I hadn't been talking for 10 minutes?  Why should it not apply to you?  And why is it MY problem that YOUR buses are parking in front of your parking spot???  Just shoot me now.  So now I am that guy.  The a-hole.  Because I speak English, and others speak entitled.